Posted in: Books, Uncategorized

How to Win Friends and Influence People

By Dale Carnegie -- My reading notes

If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive. 


  1. 99 times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be. 
  2. When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. 
  3. Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.
  4. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. 
  5. As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation. 


  • Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain — and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. 
  • Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”
  • God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days. Why should you and I?


  • From that time on, Lincoln almost never criticized anybody for anything. 
  • Don’t criticize them, they are just what we would be under similar circumstances. 
  • Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean. — Confucius
  • The secret of his success? I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good of everybody. 

Father Forgets by W. Livington Larned — strikes an echoing chord in so many readers as to become a perennial favorite. 

The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding — this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of you. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years. 


  • reverberate = re + verberate
  • incessantly = in + cess 
  • crimson
  • weary: he gave a long, weary sign. 
  • warden
  • stoutly: she stoutly defended her action. 
  • blunder
  • dawn upon me:
    • become evident to the mind; be perceived or understood.
    • “the awful truth was beginning to dawn on him”
  • sullen: a sullen, sunless sky
  • bristling: ~ hair, ~ energy
  • bayonet
  • stench: a ~ of rotten fish
  • sagging
  • pugnacious: pug …
  • lampoon: 
  • cavalry, infantry, naval, airforce
  • lurid: the more lurid details of the massacre were too frightening for the children”
  • tantamount
  • rebuke: she had rebuked him for drinking too much. 
  • ire: anger
  • blow off steam
  • rankle
  • deft: the script was both deft and literate. 
  • crumple
  • stifling
  • remorse
  • dab: he dabbed his mouth with his napkin. 
  • take you to task for: to chew someone out for something they’ve done wrong. If you don’t do your homework for a week, your teacher will take you to task, and you better straighten up! A task is a job, and if someone takes you to task, they’re letting you know you did a bad job.
  • chum
  • cot

The big secret of dealing with people is by making the other person want to do it. 

The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want. 

The sex urge and the desire to be great. 

The deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. 

Schwab says that he was paid this salary largely because of his ability to deal with people. “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people, the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. 

There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from supervisors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.

Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you. 

Teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise. 

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again. 

Emerson said, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”


  • imperious
  • gnawing: ~ pain / doubt
  • pedigreed = ped + ig + re + ed 
  • muslin
  • viceroy 
  • reclined
  • syphilis 
  • lesions: injure, wound, ulcer, abscess, tumor
  • the most coveted awards
  • prestige
  • barkentines: bark
  • billowing
  • couplet
  • deluged
  • fad
  • trowel
  • jeer

The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. 

How can I make this person want to do it?

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own. 

People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them. 


  • frantic
  • wager
  • banish
  • hollyhock
  • whippersnapper
  • yapping
  • bulwark
  • gall
  • drivel
  • medulla
  • oblongata
  • thyroid
  • admonish
  • lath
  • exhortation
  • exhort
  • scold and nag
  • wallop
  • dietetics
  • coaxing

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. 

we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people — things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. 

We are interested in others when they are interested in us. 


  • wigwag
  • erudite
  • hobo
  • legerdemain
  • fiddle
  • scullery
  • nebulous
  • convalescence
Chapter 2. A simple way to make a good first impression
I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you. I am glad to hear your voice. 
People who smile tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment. 
Your smile comes through your voice. 
Whenever you go out of doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul in to every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like. 
A man without a smiling face must not open a shop. 
  • sable
  • glum
  • inoculate
  • distraught
  • somber
  • grouch
  • scowl
  • puss
  • gaiety
  • veering
  • chrysalis
[Yes. I still remember when I started using Elaine as my English name for my real estate business more than 10 years ago. I told a friend that I was not used to this new name. Then he sent me the link of ABBA’s song “Elaine”. After hearing this song several times, Elaine began to make sense to me. And I liked ABBA more than before. Of course, I still think of this sweet friend and his family after they went back to Germany many years ago.]

Chapter 3. If You don’t do this, you are headed for trouble. 

Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important. 

His technique?Simple. If he didn’t hear the name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it spelled?” During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s features, expression and general appearance. 

As soon as His Royal Highness was alone, he wrote the name down a piece of paper, looked at it, concentrated on it, fixed it securely in his mind, and then tore up the paper. In this way, he gained an eye impression of the name as well as an ear impression. 

Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices. – Emerson

The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. 


  • snappy
  • geniality
  • flair
  • uncanny
  • gypsum
  • hollyhocks
  • scathing
  • bucking
  • blustering
  • hardboiled
  • indelibly
  • chap
  • oblivion
  • prerogative

Chapter 4. An Easy way to become a good conversationist

Few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention. 

Hearty in my probation and lavish in my praise. 

There is no mystery about successful business intercourse… Exclusive to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that. 

Dr. Eliot’s listening was not mere silence, but a form of activity. Sitting very erect on the end of his spine with hands joined in his lap, making no movement except that he revolved his thumbs around each other faster or slower, he faced his interlocutor and seemed to be hearing with his eyes as well as his ears. He listened with his mind and attentively considered what you had to say while you said it… At the end of an interview the person who had talked to him felt that he had had his say. 

clerks who haven’t the sense to be good listeners – clerks who interrupt customers, contradict them, irritate them, and all but drive them from the store. 

If I were in his shoes, I should undoubtedly feel precisely as he did. 

Many people call a doctor when all they want is an audience. 

There was none of that piercing “soul penetrating gaze” business. His eyes were mild and genial. His voice was low and kind. his gestures were few. 

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.

A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.


  • canon
  • rave
  • petrel
  • cantankerous
  • tirade
  • callous
  • a feeling of importance
  • grip
  • scraping
  • stray
  • imbue
Chapter 5: How to Interest People 
Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.
the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
Because he is a gentleman. He saw you were interested in boats, and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please you. He made himself agreeable.’”
  • jamboree
  • bubbling
  • ‘but he sure is sold on you!’ She wasn’t sold on the idea.
  • maverick,
  • enthuse: They both enthused on my new look. 
Chapter 6: How to Make People Like You Instantly
Always make the other person feel important.
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
Confucius “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
“hearty in their approbation and lavish in their praise.” All of us want that.
“I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to———?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?”
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
… man, proud man, / Drest in a little brief authority, / … Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven / As make the angels weep.”

She had once been young and beautiful and sought after.

She had once built a house warm with love and had collected things from all over Europe to make it beautiful. Now, in the isolated loneliness of old age, she craved a little human warmth, a little genuine appreciation—and no one gave it to her.

  • pristine: a pristine white shirt
  • walking on air.  feeling very happy 
  • precept. the legal precept of being innocent until proven guilty
  • cogs
  • sonnet
  • emblazon: The T-shirts were emblazoned with the team name. 
  • bolster
  • gadding about
  • paisley
  • kennel
  • pedigrees = ped + ig + rees

Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Chapter 1: You Can’t Win an Argument

But we were guests at a festive occasion, my dear Dale. Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle.”

A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still.

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.

Buddha said: “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,” and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.

Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.

Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.

Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.

Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.

Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”

Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are.

Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:

  1. Could my opponents be right? Partly right?
  2. Is there truth or merit in their position or argument?
  3. Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me?
  4. Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me?
  5. Will I win or lose?
  6. What price will I have to pay if I win?
  7. If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
  8. Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?


  • scrap!
  • doggerel: sonnet
  • wrangling

Chapter 2: A Sure Way of Making Enemies—and How to Avoid It

When Theodore Roosevelt was in the White House, he confessed that if he could be right 75 percent of the time, he would reach the highest measure of his expectation.

If you can be sure of being right only 55 percent of the time, you can go down to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day. If you can’t be sure of being right even 55 percent of the time, why should you tell other people they are wrong?

You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words—and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you?


For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds.

It is difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change people’s minds. So why make it harder? Why handicap yourself?

If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it.

Men must be taught as if you taught them not And things unknown proposed as things forgot.

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.

Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.

One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.

I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.”

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.

We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened. … The little word “my” is the most important one in human affairs, and properly to reckon with it is the beginning of wisdom. It has the same force whether it is “my” dinner, “my” dog, and “my” house, or “my” father, “my” country, and “my” God. We not only resent the imputation that our watch is wrong, or our car shabby, but that our conception of the canals of Mars, of the pronunciation of “Epictetus,” of the medicinal value of salicin, or of the date of Sargon I is subject to revision. We like to continue to believe what we have been accustomed to accept as true, and the resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions leads us to seek every manner of excuse for clinging to it. The result is that most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.

Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it.

Ben Franklin tells how he conquered the iniquitous habit of argument and transformed himself into one of the most able, suave and diplomatic men in American history.

Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that nobody cares for them. Your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort would lead only to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now, which is very little.

in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear’d or seem’d to me some difference, etc.

I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevail’d with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right.

I let them develop my system themselves.

nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong.

it began to dawn on me that

I didn’t for one instant insinuate that the inspector was wrong. I emphasized that my only reason for asking was in order that we could give his firm exactly what they wanted in future shipments.

Dr. King replied, “I judge people by their own principles—not by my own.”

Jesus said: “Agree with thine adversary quickly.”

Be diplomatic,” counseled the King. “It will help you gain your point.”

In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.


  • admiralty
  • hush
  • ram
  • esophagus.
  • malign

Chapter 3: If You’re Wrong, Admit It

If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?

gloating over his chance to criticize.

Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes—and most fools do—but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.

Come to think it over, I don’t entirely agree with it myself. Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn what you think on the subject. The next time you are in the neighborhood you must visit us and we’ll get this subject threshed out for all time. So here is a handclasp over the miles, and I am, Yours sincerely,

When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong—and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves—let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.

By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”


  • horseweeds
  • red-handed.
  • Petulant,
  • alibis.
  • rakish
  • ravine.
  • brigade
  • sublime.

Chapter 4: A Drop of Honey

If you come at me with your fists doubled,” said Woodrow Wilson, “I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, ‘Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,’ we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together.”

This is a red-letter day in my life,”

If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.

a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to reason.

I was ‘hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.’ I complimented him on the way he ran the building and told him I should like so much to stay for another year but I couldn’t afford it.

The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.


  • picket
  • bulldoze: bulldozer

Chapter 5: The Secret of Socrates

Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree.

Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.”

So I agreed with him. I told him the information he refused to give was not absolutely necessary.

when he realized that we weren’t asking for this information for our sake but for his sake.

it doesn’t pay to argue,

that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying ‘yes, yes.’”

He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree.

He who treads softly goes far.”

spigot: faucet

Chapter 6: The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints 

So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles.

Mr. Cubellis had taken the trouble to find out about the accomplishments of his prospective employer.

He showed an interest in the other person and his problems. He encouraged the other person to do most of the talking—and made a favorable impression.

If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”

  • laryngitis.
  • valiant
  • complacent
  • confidante,


Chapter 7: How to Get Cooperation

isn’t it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions—and let the other person think out the conclusion?

what they expected from him.

Now I want you to tell me what I have a right to expect from you.”

No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing.

We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.

the study of influencing human behavior,

I want you to do me a little favor, if you will,” he said. “Here are some uncompleted sketches. Won’t you please tell me how we could finish them up in such a way that you could use them?”

I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn’t have to sell him. He bought.”

He knew far more about handling human nature than the others did. He wrote a letter something like this:

Our factory has recently completed a new line of X-ray equipment. The first shipment of these machines has just arrived at our office. They are not perfect. We know that, and we want to improve them. So we should be deeply obligated to you if you could find time to look them over and give us your ideas about how they can be made more serviceable to your profession. Knowing how occupied you are, I shall be glad to send my car for you at any hour you specify.

It made me feel important.

Self-Reliance” stated: “In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.”

to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it—so as to get him thinking about it on his own account.

He didn’t care about credit. He wanted results.

He sent me the names and telephone numbers of several New York people who had stayed at his camp and he invited me to telephone them and discover for myself what he had to offer.

The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”


Chapter 8: A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You

How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?”

that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.”

Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.

Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.”*

why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view?

Why should he or she want to do it?”

less shoe leather. “I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview,” than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person—from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives—was likely to answer.”

I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person—from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives—was likely to answer.

  • conflagration.
  • Nonchalantly
  • ferret

Chapter 9: What Everybody Wants

I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”

You deserve very little credit for being what you are—and remember, the people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are.

Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them. Sympathize with them. Say to yourself: “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”

Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

I wanted to be above fools.

To whom have I the honor of speaking?

the enormous chemical value of sympathy in neutralizing the acid of hard feelings.

I sympathize with you—I know it won’t be easy, but it will pay off in your better musical development.”

Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults … show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. ‘Self-pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.”

  • cuss
  • alas and alack!
  • scorching
  • cannibal
  • committed an impropriety,
  • musicale
  • in articulo mortis: at the moment of death
  • impresario

Chapter 10: An Appeal That Everybody Likes

The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.

a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.

The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

I have listened to your story, and I still don’t believe you intend to move. Years in the renting business have taught me something about human nature, and I sized you up in the first place as being a man of your word. In fact, I’m so sure of it that I’m willing to take a gamble. But I still believe you’re a man of your word and will live up to your contract. For after all, we are either men or monkeys—and the choice usually lies with ourselves!’

My mother doesn’t like it.” he appealed to the desire, deep in all of us, to refrain from harming children. You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity.”

Ladies’ Home Journal,

I explained I had called to find out what it was the company had done, or failed to do.

made it clear that, until I had heard the customer’s story, I had no opinion to offer.

I want you to know I also feel this matter has been badly mishandled. You’ve been inconvenienced and annoyed and irritated by one of our representatives.

I could not help being impressed by your fairness and patience.

the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct.

honest, upright and fair.


Chapter 11: The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?




Chapter 12: When Nothing Else Works, Try This

The way to get things done,” says Schwab, “is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”

All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory”

The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.

  • gauntlet!
  • penitentiary
  • flabbergast

Part Four: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

A leader’s job often includes changing your people’s attitudes and behavior. 

Chapter 1: If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin

effusive praise

bestowed upon

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.

My friend, that is a splendid speech, a magnificent speech,” McKinley said. “No one could have prepared a better one. There are many occasions on which it would be precisely the right thing to say, but is it quite suitable to this particular occasion? Sound and sober as it is from your standpoint, I must consider its effect from the party’s standpoint. Now you go home and write a speech along the lines I indicate, and send me a copy of it.”

There are some things in regard to which I am not quite satisfied with you.”

meritorious and honorable brother officer.

  • lathers
  • glee,
  • chap
  • obstreperous
  • beard the bronze lion in his den.
  • hammer-and-dynamite

Chapter 2: How to Criticize—and Not Be Hated for It

Can’t you read?” Oh, no not Schwab. He walked over to the men, handed each one a cigar, and said, “I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside.”

admonished his staff to allow people to see him.

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement.

We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”

the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure.

but” to “and.”

We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”

Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.

subtly suggested that it wouldn’t do as a speech.

  • in a huddle
  • constituent
  • Strain
  • was strewn with: strew
  • pulpit

Chapter 3: Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

her business experience was a trifle more than zero.

Just a minute, Dale Carnegie; just a minute. You are twice as old as Josephine. You have had ten thousand times as much business experience. How can you possibly expect her to have your viewpoint, your judgment, your initiative—mediocre though they may be? And just a minute, Dale, what were you doing at nineteen? Remember the asinine mistakes and blunders you made? Remember the time you did this … and that…”

You have made a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord knows, it’s no worse than many I have made. You were not born with judgment. That comes only with experience, and you are better than I was at your age. I have been guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself, I have very little inclination to criticize you or anyone. But don’t you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?”

resolved to take another approach.

Somehow this word doesn’t look right. It’s one of the words I always have had trouble with. That’s the reason I started this spelling book of mine. [I opened the book to the appropriate page.] Yes, here it is. I’m very conscious of my spelling now because people do judge us by our letters and misspellings make us look less professional.’

the sharp necessity of doing this

The entire continent buzzed with the fury of a hornet’s nest.

The Kaiser blew up.

capable of blunders you yourself could never have committed!”

I’m far from suggesting that,”

he waxed so enthusiastic that he exclaimed with doubled fists, “If not by intimating that the Kaiser was a half-wit in need of a guardian.

work veritable miracles in human relations.

how the nicotine had gotten the best of me and now it was nearly impossible for me to stop.

exhort him to stop

  • batting average
  • incensed
  • aghast.
  • Consternation,
  • a staunch friend,

Chapter 4: No One Likes to Take Orders

always gave suggestions, not orders.

You might consider this,”

or “Do you think that would work?”

What do you think of this?”

Maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better.”

He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.

A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.

if it were moved, other cars could get in and out,

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.

People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.

Is there anything we can do to handle this order?”

Can anyone think of different ways to process it through the shop that will make it possible to take the order?”

there any way to adjust our hours or personnel assignments that would help?”

  • a brash order

Chapter 5: Let the Other Person Save Face

a genius of the first magnitude when it came to electricity, was a failure as the head of the calculating department.

head up the department.

They had gently maneuvered their most temperamental star, and they had done it without a storm—by letting him save face.

We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting!

wielding the ax.

but you came through with flying colors,

the negative effects of faultfinding versus the positive effects of letting the other person save face.

the supervisor was evasive in his responses.

berate the supervisor and accuse him of lying.

shaking with fright.

breaking down,

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.

I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”

Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise. 

Chapter 6: How to Spur People On to Success

Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.

Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”*

History is replete with striking illustrations of the sheer witchery of praise.

the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.

They began capitalizing on the praise we were giving them.

Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere—not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.

Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.

Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.

  • vaudeville
  • made a great to-do about it.
  • flung
  • the pangs of hunger.
  • guttersnipes
  • drudgery
  • turnabout.

Chapter 7: Give a Dog a Good Name

The average person,” can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.”

Shakespeare said, “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.”

it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have

the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

since I left this morning I realized I hadn’t given you the entire picture of our new line, and I would appreciate some of your time to tell you about the points I omitted. I have respected the fact that you are always willing to listen and are big enough to change your mind when the facts warrant a change.”

I see you so seldom, I thought I’d take the time to thank you for the fine job of cleaning you’ve been doing. once-in-a-while” things

Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him.” But give him a good name—and see what happens!

  • shoddy
  • bawling him out
  • a heart-to-heart talk
  • falling down in his duties
  • scullery
  • point-blank,
  • brooded
  • tarnished equipment.
  • charwoman,
  • tinged
  • picked fights with the boys

Chapter 8: Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve.

You’ve written articles on memory. Bridge will be a cinch for you. It’s right up your alley.”

asked so many questions and held so many post-mortem

who had flunked two grades,

  • took the heart out of me.
  • Flair: she had a flair for languages. 
  • presto: adj. quick tempo
  • jig: in jig time, the jig is up. 

Chapter 9: Making People Glad to Do What You Want

Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Reminders, admonitions, confrontations

Men are ruled by toys.”

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.

Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.

Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.

Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.

Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.

When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

  • annals
  • emissary,
  • snub
  • an eyeball-to-eyeball confrontation
  • throng
    • a crowd thronged the station
    • the street is thronged with people.
    • tourists thronged to the village. 
  • the upper economic strata—executives, employers and professionals.
  • a glaring commentary on the shocking deficiencies of our educational system.
    • the glaring sun,
    • their glaring eyes,
    • a glaring omission

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut elit tellus, luctus nec ullamcorper mattis, pulvinar dapibus leo.

Leave a Reply